Before I begin, I would like to say I am neither ‘pro choice’ or ‘pro life’ nor do I believe these terms should exist in our society. I am Pro Love for all. I truly believe if we support women and men through hard times in their lives instead of judging their actions and choices, we can make a great change in the world. My hopes in telling my story is to reach out to another girl or women who can relate to how I feel and what I went through, and let them know that they are not alone.
The debate of abortion has become widely known to all, especially with the election in the states that has just recently happened. I read a lot of hateful comments and judgments from people who I truly believed would never put others down like that. It made my heart hurt to read what people have to say about such a personal decision that some women and their partner are forced to make. My heart has hurt for a very long time for women, such as myself who feel a daily struggle in today’s society after making the decision to have an abortion.
Everyone’s experiences in life differs from person to person. You can talk to several people who have had an abortion and each person’s story is different in everyway. While some choose to never speak of their abortion, I am telling my story in hopes that other girls will not feel that they have to face this alone.
Please believe me when I say, having an abortion was not a decision that I made overnight. I felt feelings of loss, depression, self-hatred, and hatred toward others; I was angry all of the time and I felt feelings of sadness I thought would never go away. My decision whether or not to have an abortion changed at least 100 times a day. I had all of the confidence in the world, and then I thought if I can’t afford to buy diapers? What if I need to choose between buying my baby and I groceries or keeping the power on in my home? I had felt self-doubt before, but never to the extent of failing my own child.
I saw dark parts of the world I wish I could erase from my memory. I saw adults – probably in their 60’s standing outside of the women’s clinic holding up posters that read ‘MURDERER’ on it, they stood there and judged me. And they didn’t even know me. I thought this would be the lowest point of my entire life.
I thought, ok this is as bad as it can possibly get. Boy, was I wrong. The feeling of loneliness, self-hatred, and depression are feelings I felt on a daily basis. And I become ok with these feelings. In fact, when I felt 5 minutes of happiness during the day – I became so afraid of those negative feelings coming back, I wouldn’t allow the happiness to stay. I knew the higher and happier I felt... The bigger the crash would be after.
Looking back on those days I felt as if I carried around a monster, that reminded me if I felt any kind of joy or happiness, even for those five minutes – I was not only a terrible person, I was a terrible mother.
The two weeks to wait for my procedure felt like the longest two weeks to ever exist. I felt my body change. But at a time when a woman is experiencing all of these changes – and can be such an unbelievably happy time in their life, I had to shut off every maternal instinct and tell my body not to feel happy and not to feel joy. I couldn’t share my pregnancy symptoms with anyone because I knew if I talked about them, and allowed myself to feel them I wouldn’t be able to go through with my decision.
The next three weeks of my life were a blur, between writing midterm exams and driving to Victoria, there are two things I clearly remember from that day. I remember the nurses being inconsiderate and treating me as though I was no longer valued as a human being and I remember the drive home. The feeling of vulnerability I felt as I laid on the operating table and begged the Doctor not to go through with the procedure – is a feeling I could never describe and would never have enough pages to do so.
The days and months following the procedure, I felt lost. I would distract myself with anything and everything to avoid thinking about the procedure and what happened, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I felt disconnected from everything – including my family and friends, who are my biggest support system. But even though I was trying to distract myself… I wanted so desperately for someone to bring it up, I wanted to feel as if I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t the only one who constantly thought about my baby – every minute of every day. When nobody did, I became frustrated. I felt more alone in my life, than ever before. I withdrew even more from the people who loved me, and looking at it now and talking to them I realized – like me – they didn’t know how to bring it up either. I lost a lot of my closest and dearest friends – and to any of those people reading this. I am sorry.
I saw the sign for Crossroads Pregnancy Centre, and I called that day. I was so nervous to ask for help and say the words ‘post-abortion support’ that when I called I just asked for counselling. They lady on the phone was so kind and helpful and listed the various types of support they provide, so I could just agree when it finally came down to the abortion support. From the minute, I walked into the center, I felt as if the monster I was carrying was gone. It was the most loved and supported I had felt almost a year.
My first session with Kirsten I talked for a solid two hours. And she just listened. After feeling as if I would never be able to talk about my baby or grieve the loss of a child, everything just came out. Kirsten laughed with me and cried with me, and helped guide me to build my world back together, piece by piece.
I guess if there is one thing I wish I could tell every single one of you, reading this, is that - not every single of day of the rest of your life will feel how are you feeling today. Things will get better, and you are allowed to miss and grieve the loss of your baby. And, most importantly; you are not alone – when facing an abortion. Even though it can feel like that at times, there are so many amazing people and amazing supports available to you.
Thank you for listening to my story
Kirsten and all of the women at Crossroads Pregnancy Centre have changed my life in ways I cannot even begin to explain. The love and support that radiates from their center the moment you walk in – is a feeling that will stick with you every day for the rest of your life.
By Amy P.No entries.